Ever heard that limerick about an old man in Peru who dreamt he was eating his shoe then woke up and found it was perfectly true?
Well, I had my own nightmare the other day, and it was way worse: Everything in the world had turned pink. From the sky to the food we eat to the clothes we wear - not one item was spared the garish hue.
I got out of bed and, alas, like that dude in Peru, my dream had come true too.
My eye was pink (don’t ask), the FoodPanda delivery woman was in pink (what’s wrong with orange?) and heck, even my tonkotsu ramen was pink.
Everything is pink these days - even your ramen.
I blame this horror of a colour crisis on Millennial Pink - a range of shades that encompasses anything from candy floss and strawberry milk to flamingo feathers and Barbie doll dresses.
It all started when colour authority Pantone (yes, we’d all be colour blind without them) declared Rose Quartz as colour of the year for 2016.
I’m still confused as to what actually constitutes Rose Quartz but suffice to say, it’s some sort of pink.
Since then, Millennial Pink has proliferated to the point of puke - from botched hair dye jobs and company logos to hipster upholstery and Fenty footwear.
It even has its own Instagram handle for goodness sake.
@millennialpink has more Instagram followers than me, but that’s not why I’m salty.
Rihanna work work work work working it in Fenty pink.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not categorically averse to pink - unless it’s the shade of medicinal syrup I was made to swallow as a feverish and nauseous child; now that still gives me the shudders.
On the whole though, pink is an awesome colour.
It stands for many important things I believe in, like good health, breast cancer awareness, Pink Dot, Getting the Party Started and my weekly fix of bandung.
I am also an unabashed owner of pink shirts and someone who relies heavily on neon pink Post-its for eye-catching reminders and makeshift bookmarks.
As a guy, I have never been bothered by pink as a colour-coded gender construct either.
For those who still insist that the colour is reserved for women and girls, you might like to know that it was once considered masculine because it is a diminutive of red - the colour of war.
For those who still think pink is purely for ladies, think again.
My issue with Millennial Pink, rather, is that it’s symbolic of other people telling us what’s cool and modish. It is the pale palette of corporations and trendsetters trying to paint all of us millennials with the same brush and targeting our vulnerable desire for novelty.
It’s almost as if someone sat down one day and went: “I want to sell something in the most shocking colour possible, so shocking that youngsters will believe it’s ironic and subversive, ergo cool.”
Cue pink, a colour that has been around for time immemorial but rebranded as Millennial Pink, and suddenly self-respecting millennials are embracing and throwing their hard-earned money at these products.
I mean, who cares if they are hard to match or don’t taste good right?
Well, I care.
So dear Millennial Pink, you’re cute but, I hereby reject you because I refuse to be a victim of your gimmicky commercialism.
Unless you’re bandung. Then I’ll have no choice but to savour every drop of your rose syrup and evaporated milk goodness.
What the world needs now is bandung, sweet bandung.